Things my mother taught me before she left me, vol. 3

A series on the surprise wins of an ambivalent mother

This week I joined Keltie Maguire on her podcast, Kids or Childfree. Keltie is a motherhood clarity coach, helping people who are on the fence about having children come to a confident decision. I was very happy to talk to Keltie about my choice to not have kids, how my mother’s neglect affected me, and the research I’ve done on maternal ambivalence. We also discuss all the ways our culture insists women do have kids — from television and movies to books and politics. I hope you’ll listen, and if you don’t already, follow her podcast.

---

This is a series on the surprise wins of an ambivalent mother. Vol. 1 is here, Vol. 2 is here.

We tend to think bravery means the absence of fear — that some people feel fear, and others don’t. But the only difference between “brave” people and everyone else is that they decide to push through and do the scary thing anyway.

There are a million more eloquent versions of this idea. I most recently heard it on an episode of Modern Family of all places. The point is, I think everyone has been brave at some point.

I learned this lesson in 2016, when I moved to London again. I had already spent a year in London to complete an MA, and upon returning to the U.S., found I just liked England better.

I gave my notice at work and on my lease, sold all my furniture, dishes and glassware to a young guy who had just moved into my apartment building, and rounded up my siblings to take all the clothes I didn’t plan to bring with me. In the final week before I moved, I stayed in the guest room of my dad and stepmom’s house, where I spent at least half my time sobbing, wondering, what the hell am I doing?

I share this story with anyone I meet who confides in me that they are feeling afraid of doing that thing. Because when you know in your gut that something is the right thing to do, even though it feels terrifying and maybe idiotic, you just have to find a way to see it through.

It was a good two or three years before I stopped sobbing every time I left the US, following a visit with my family.