Things my mother taught me before she left me, vol. 1

The first in a (likely) series on the surprise wins of an ambivalent mother.

Bad Mothers is based on the premise that motherhood should always be a considered choice. That’s because I think lots of people — probably most — are capable of parenting, but it doesn’t mean they want to do it or will be particularly “good” at it. Even if they are great mothers, are they happy? Not always.

When I think about my mother’s experience of being a mom, I assume she was mostly disappointed. Even though it turned out to be the wrong path for her, she was superb at some obscure elements. This is the first in a (likely) series on the surprise wins of an ambivalent mother.

The summer I turned 19, I was home after my first year at college. My clearest memory of that summer is of wearing new summer clothes to the town carnival, feeling confident and having a great time.

My memory could have been one of feeling fat and unattractive. It would have been absurd to feel that way, because even if I had put on weight, I was a waif at that age. Still, none of my regular summer clothes fit properly and I was sure that the dorm life — junk food and beer — was catching up with me. I was probably right.

But when I whined about this, my mother rolled her eyes at me. She basically ignored it. And the next day I found a bag of three new outfits on my bed.

“Your body is going to change over the course of your life. That’s just how it is.”

That was all she said on the matter. She didn’t let me wallow in it, so although I’m sure it’s something most of my contemporaries were feeling, too, I just took her at her word, put on my new clothes (one size up), and moved on with my life.

It’s been nearly twenty years since I had a relationship with my mother. There have been a few scattered phone calls and text messages, but that’s it. The first few years of estrangement were extremely difficult, but after a while, I realized it was for the best. And some time after that, I was able to let in some memories without feeling sad.