This site is dedicated to women who don’t meet patriarchal expectations of womanhood, including those who choose not to have children, and mothers who do anything that is criticized as being “unmotherly” (which is pretty much everyone). But in some cases, a bad mother is actually just bad at being a mom.
In her memoir, Lies My Mother Never Told Me, Jones shares the story of her life, including her father’s early death and her own struggle with alcoholism. The early part of the book covers these issues with strong hints at future problems that stem from her mother’s alcoholism. When Kaylie decides to get sober, the conflict between them worsens, and the emotional abuse Kaylie suffers at the hands of her mother becomes crystal clear.
Jones devotes some of the book to relaying what she learned about alcoholism, including that it is often paired with mental illness and depression. Since it is also an illness in itself, she points out that we don’t judge people for getting cancer the way we do alcoholics. But this is a complicated point since her mother’s alcoholism is a major contributing factor to her abuse, and cancer patients don’t usually abuse their loved ones as a result of their illness.
For how long, then, do we allow abuse to continue? I’m not a psychiatrist, but I think in most cases, it’s possible to draw a line between some kind of mental illness or experienced abuse straight through to abusive acts. In other words, the people who hurt the ones they love are usually suffering their own demons. In fact, Jones goes on a mission learn more about her mother’s upbringing, dedicating herself to finding an explanation. But if an abusive parent is unwilling to help themselves, no matter the reason, are we obligated to suffer alongside them?
The answer I reached many years ago was “no.” This is something Jones seems to struggle with in the last several years of her mother’s life. With a husband and daughter, Jones was no longer the only victim of her mother’s wild mood swings, and so she set strict boundaries. But of course it is extremely difficult to walk away from a parent, particularly when this behavior is entirely familiar. If you have lived your entire life with abuse, in any form, it’s nearly impossible to see it for what it is. I would venture to guess most people never do cut ties with parents.
Jones’ memoir is incredibly brave and raw. She shares her darkest moments with brutal honesty, and while she never positions herself as a victim, I absolutely cheered for her at every step forward.
Now I want to read this book.
You are so right that a mother such as this one harms your own children. I am entirely ok with walking away and did so.
For awhile everyone's shame was supposed to be mine, which is what happens in family patterns when parents can't hold a space for their children. I studied early childhood because my mother is/was an abusive alcoholic. She did it again when I divorced. My hanai mom calls it 'bewitched' though I find that most words do not work. Strong response to anyone harming your children is safe, and normal. Being an adult also means taking no shit from grown children either.