Ruby Franke: a bad mother

The difference between estrangement and isolation

Many of us who are estranged from our mothers are asked what was so bad that we can’t even talk to them anymore. And when I’m inclined to answer, I find myself reaching for specific events, which, on their own, don’t make sense to a lot of people. But I also don’t know how to sum up the reasons in a simple way. The best I can do is say that the relationship caused me near-crippling anxiety. We shouldn’t have to explain our reasons, and they don’t need to sound devastating to everyone else to be valid.

I wonder if anyone will judge Shari Franke for refusing contact with her mother, Ruby. In a new documentary Devil in the Family, she says:

“I will never talk to [Ruby] again. Whether she’s the most apologetic person in the world or not, that doesn’t change anything for me. We have one childhood and one mom. And that was mine.”

But Shari’s estrangement from her mother is not the first in this saga.

In 2015, Ruby Franke started a vlog that showcased her Mormon family of six kids, and in 2024 she was sentenced to four consecutive terms of 1-15 years for four counts of child abuse. The sentencing was for physical abuse, including torture and malnourishment, of at least two of the four children still in her care.

About halfway through the family’s YouTube career, Ruby’s oldest son Chad began acting out in ways not entirely made clear in the documentary. Was he simply sick of being part of a vlog? Was he just being a teenager? The family’s faith looms large, and in one story Chad shares, Ruby was devastated to find out that Chad was “making out” with girls. Ruby engaged a ‘counselor,’ Jodi Hildebrandt, to help Chad. Jodi essentially ran a cult that progressively isolated Ruby and convinced her to cast out Chad, Shari and her husband, Kevin. She also cut off the rest of her family, according to her sisters.

Boundaries vs isolation

In terms of estrangement, this is an intriguing turn of the story. How do we know if the person in question is making a rational choice or is being manipulated into isolation?