I joke that my husband reads every single article published by The Guardian, and I don’t think that’s much of an exaggeration. It’s helpful because he acts as my personal news filtering service, sharing every piece that is about choosing or not choosing parenthood, and abortion. There are lots of these articles. There are lots of these articles, now.
I began studying this topic in 2018, and it felt then as if there wasn’t a lot out there that was supportive of choosing not to have kids. In fact, The Guardian published an article in 2019 asking if people were choosing ‘fur babies’ because they were broke or scared of responsibility. Two choices. Two. This headline infuriated me because an enormous life choice such as whether to be a parent should not be relegated to two reasons. (It should not even require a reason to be stated, but that’s another post for another time.) I’m sure there are many people who choose not to have kids for one of these reasons, and perhaps they also have a pet, but the headline portrays the choice as simple and even ill-considered.
More recently Elle Hunt in the same publication asked if she would regret her choice. She speaks with writer Gina Rushton, author of The Parenthood Dilemma (which I thought was a fantastic examination of many things people might consider when deciding about parenthood). Gina calls for more consideration around whether to become a parent, and I am all for it. For too long, we have taken for granted that it is something we just do, naturally.
But the truth is that there are millions of reasons a person may choose to not have children, and those reasons don’t need to make sense to anyone else. I sympathize with people who don’t feel certain, like Hunt and lots of others. But I do have a hard time understanding this perspective. Personally, all of my friends who don’t have children have been adamant about their decision as long as I’ve known them. There are no exceptions.
Personally, I have never felt the desire for children, so I assumed I wouldn’t have them but never ruled it out entirely. I am open to changing my mind and have been most of my adult life. But I never have changed my mind. And now that I’m 41, I am simply not interested in taking any steps (or making any sacrifices) to ensure that I keep my options open.
Sure, maybe I’ll regret not having kids. Maybe I’ll regret never living in New York City or LA. Maybe I’ll regret not being single for longer. Maybe I’ll regret moving to the UK and losing millions of precious moments with my sisters. But the best I can do is act on the information I have now; to know myself now and make the best decisions I can for my future self. We are so afraid of regret, but there’s really no escaping it.
Many child-free people often say: I’d rather regret not having children than having them. And every time I hear it, I imagine a parent’s reply: I could never regret having my child. While there are plenty of stories out there of parents admitting they wish they hadn’t had children, as far as I understand them, they still love their child and wouldn’t change the fact of their existence. It’s just the responsibility and sacrifice they wish they could take back. And I’d venture to guess that most parents feel like this at one point or another. That’s certainly the impression I get from my friends who do have kids. In the words of my best friend (who is a mother), If you don’t really, really want them, don’t have them.
I think these potential regrets are survivable. On the other hand, I know there are lots of people who want to have kids but simply can’t afford to do so. This is a tragedy that should be addressed (and really should have been addressed decades ago). The work that women do in pregnancy, labor and raising children benefits everyone, and it should be paid. Having a family should not come down to money (I wrote a novel about exactly this philosophy, come to think of it). But I view this as different to the choice and guilt we’re sometimes made to feel related to that choice.
I think it should be paid as well. Too much work to be taken lightly.