Are you happy or are you the oldest daughter?

There is no shortage of jokes about the psychological and emotional toll of being the oldest daughter. I usually prefer to focus on the funny memes than on the more serious questions about what happens to oldest daughters, because, well, I guess I have more important things to unpack.

I’m the oldest of six girls. My take is that the oldest daughter feels burdened by her family because she’s been taught to be a nurturing caregiver (because she’s a girl) as well as a role model (because she’s the oldest).

Life can be difficult and lonely as the oldest daughter. I felt more like the mom than the sister for most of my life, and that’s not fun. But the result of these circumstances is that oldest girls tend to independent and resilient. These traits served me well throughout childhood. I took care of myself, my mother and my sisters, without asking for help from anyone. I don’t think it occurred to me to ask for help until things were very dire, when I was in my early twenties, and even then I felt conflicted about getting any support. It was disorienting to find I couldn’t manage on my own. Worse, the first few people I did ask for help brushed off my request, as if I was overreacting. This didn’t do much to reinforce the instinct to let others in.